It’s Time To Kick My Own Ass

June 13, 2008 at 2:31 pm (2008)

…in the form of kick-boxing, that is.

I was about to write a post about how very defeated I feel today, but as I was routinely checking out The Brazen Careerist for advice on how to get myself out of this slump, I realized that someone had already put into words what I’ve been feeling.

So, I’ll let that speak for itself. In the meantime, I’ve decided to do something for myself, to take small risks as I work my way up to the big one. I have realized that I’m not going to get the job until I move, so for now I’ll have to remain complacent, if not somewhat unsatisfied, in order to get to where I need to be financially to make that jump. And quite a jump it will be. The truth is, I’m in such a slump right now that I’m not even sure where I would want to move or what would make me happy. There are two things I’m certain of: I need a change and I want a career.

This relationship with unemployment is certainly tumultuous, as it has me second guessing everything, including my dreams and my self-worth. My long-term temporary jobs are great in that they help me pay the rent and grocery bills, but this, too, is beginning to take its toll.

I’m the type of person who needs to see results, and I get frustrated when that doesn’t happen. I was so excited when I quit my job because I thought that I would find myself again, be able to believe in myself after being in such a negative environment. I thought that I could use the time to work hard towards achieving my real goals; however, what it has resulted in is only incresed insecurity.

I can’t expect to find a job overnight, and, foolishly, I think that’s exactly what I imagined would happen. I have to continue to work hard while pursuing that which makes me happy. Up until now, everything has occured rather naturally. Suddenly, I’m finding that this isn’t going to always be the case.

So that I don’t continue in this slump, I’m going to make it a point to try things I’ve always wanted to try and continue to work on the things that make me happiest: I’m going to go back to volunteering at the local animal shelter where I can play with the pups and be rewarded by wagging tails and sloppy kisses. I’m joining a gym (I know, blasphemy) and am going to sign up for an aquatics class and a martial arts class — something I’ve been wanting to do for years. Lately, I’ve been of the notion that I’m tired of caring about what others think of me — this is my life and my chance. I really only have myself to hold me back, and this will be no longer.

When I look back at my life, I want to be proud of my accomplishments, but, most importantly, I want to say that I have at least tried. When I think of all that I wish to do, I am reminded of the scene in the movie Titanic, where the camera is slowly focusing on the pictures of Old Rose’s life, displaying her proudly on horseback and flying a plane. This is what I want — I want to remember my life in fondness, with no regrets, without ever having to admit that I was too afraid to take a chance.

With the rest of my life in upheaval, it’s time that I feel empowered. Everything else will fall into place in its own time, of that I have no doubt. And I will, of course, continue with the job hunt and I will undoubtedly continue to wonder when that special someone will wander into my life. But this life is like a game of connect the dots — maybe this is exactly where I need to be right now, learning, once again, how to love and appreciate myself.

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1 Comment

  1. Victoria said,

    Susan-

    I’m both sad and glad that you are experiencing what I am… on the one hand, it is good to feel that you’re not alone, but ultimately it just sucks that intelligent and hard-working people have to go through this. Have a great time with the kickboxing! I find that when I get stuck it’s only exercise (and crazy, strenuous, masochistic exercise) that keeps me going. Personally, I do Bikram yoga to keep a little bit of stability and confidence in an extremely insecure and unstable life.

    Have a good weekend. Enjoy the gym!

    -Victoria

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