The Water Is Warm ‘Til You Discover How Deep

July 17, 2008 at 5:22 am (2008)

Lately, I’ve been posting about how good I’ve been feeling — more confident, certain, hopeful…But I woke up early this morning feeling very overwhelmed, and I sense that, bit by bit, all of those positive sentiments are starting to unravel.  I have to wonder if it was all just a mask, an act I’ve been using in order to psych myself out, hoping that if I believe it enough, it would start to become true.  Or maybe it was true, for a moment, but right now, as I type this in the very early morning and I listen to Riley snoring, it seems like I’m back to those feelings of dissatisfaction and helplessness, and I’m afraid.

I don’t like myself right now; I don’t like who I’ve become.  My job has left me jaded and my patience has been tried.  I’ve reacted to personal situations in ways in which are probably normal, but not normal for me, and I’m not proud of the way I’ve handled myself.

There’s a personal situation occurring within my family — I’ve been typing and deleting sentences for the past few minutes debating if I should even share it.  I’ve decided not to, but I will share what I think is the bigger issue.

I go to the gym every day during the week, and I’m enjoying it, learning a lot, whatever…Because I spend eight hours at work (which means Riley spends eight hours alone), I bring him over to my parents’ to play with their dog while I go to my classes.  At first, it just seemed convenient, as they could watch Riley and let him play, but I love spending time with them, I feel comfortable with them, so it was also a way for me to just visit and hang out.  Then, the more frequent it became, the more I began to realize that it was a way for me to escape my own house, to escape myself, and immerse myself in people who loved me unconditionally.  Because despite me not liking this person I feel I’ve become very much right now, I know that’s one fact that will always remain true.

And now, I’ve grown too comfortable; I’ve grown dependent on them.   The thought horrifies me, as it’s so many steps back.  I’m afraid that so many of those old fears are going to resurface and that I’ll lose all appreciation that I have for them…I can already feel that happening with one of my family members — I have no patience for them, I feel hostility towards them…and I feel guilty as hell for it and am certainly not proud of it.

Roommate came over with me for dinner, and as we were sitting outside after dinner with my dad, I realized how very young I felt, despite being old enough to actually have a roommate and hence my own place.  The way I was sitting, lounging on the chair, I felt like I was five instead of nearly 25; and as we talked, as the words came out of my mouth during our conversation, I felt immature and catty and selfish and not at all a person I would ever be proud to be.  Not at all the person I really am. 

All those years of independence, of living on my own and feeling self assured, have seemed to disappear.  It might be only for a moment, but right now, with this lack of faith and direction, it seems as if these moments are all I have.  

Because of all of this, I’m doubting that moving and starting a career is even an option for me anymore, if it’s even possible after all.  There has to be a resolution, right?  I can’t just pick up and go, to escape, because this mess of myself will only follow me.  They are not the problem, I am; I admit that, I accept that.  Only, I don’t know how to change that. 

The thought of not moving away, even though I don’t even have a destination yet, scares me even more, not only because I so want it, but because I long for everything I have been missing lately — satisfaction and a feeling of personal achievement or success, confident in my abilities and myself, pride for the person I am.  Actually, when I think about it, maybe that’s the only reason I even want to move away — because I think I’ll find something else, because I’m hoping that I’ll find myself again.   

I don’t have any answers.  If someone else were in this situation, I know exactly what I would say to them for comfort and motivation.  But I’m so stuck in this feeling, in this moment, that it seems that there’s nothing I would believe. 

I know that later that will all change.  But right now, I feel very drained, a weak person.  I feel very much a little girl who’s not at all ready for the world.


1 Comment

  1. Roommate said,

    The exact reason why I know that I can’t move away from here is that I feel like all of the bad things I’ve become were caused here and I have to stay in order to get them back. Like you said also, they’ll follow me wherever I go anyway. It’s horrible feeling, but I guess you could say I’m trapped.

    I’m sorry you feel like you have to escape your own house. I wish it wasn’t like that.

    This is exactly why I know that I have to. Eventually. I feel like I blossom when I’m independent and on my own, and I got my first taste of that when I first went to France. When I came back, I felt changed, bold, a risk-taker. I miss that feeling, I miss that me.

    I’m sorry that you feel so trapped, and I’m sorry that you don’t like who you’ve become. That is the hardest part of it all, I think, but the best part of it all is that only you have the power to change it.

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